Ace of Wands

My Trial By Fire

For this blog post, I’m going to take a slight detour from my usual approach. Typically, I discuss the fragrance and its origins. I think I’m going to start at the end. 

I was in the shower when I came up with the (my podcast co-host Bee refers to them as formulas; I call them recipes, but I also think a spell is just a recipe with flair) recipe for Ace of Wands. I wasn’t sure about levels and all of that, but I knew exactly what I wanted in Ace of Wands and the experience I wanted to convey with the scent. 

However, it was initially called Kauna (<), the rune associated with fire. The rune poems that discuss kauna often talk about a purifying ulcer, like the idea of sweating out your fever. You have to go through some shit to really be what you need. 

I know that I’ve talked about my whole cult experience, but we’ve never talked about the Dark Ages. 

Starting when I was 14, I was told I had bipolar disorder. The trademark characteristics of bipolar disorder, I was told, were extreme mood changes. I don’t know many teens who have a good grasp on their emotions, but I digress. Almost immediately, I was put on medication. While the medications changed and weren’t consistent, I was on them for a significant portion of my young adulthood, before my frontal lobe was fully developed. 

It’s a long story, one that would be longer than a blog post, but what is necessary to know is that I got a concussion and totaled my car, broke up with my boyfriend of over two years, had to go to the ER for suicidal ideation, met my now husband, lost my job, left the country for the first time in my life, and also moved in with my aforementioned now husband, in the span of less than six months. Because I lost my job, I also lost my health insurance, which covered the eight different medications that I was on for bipolar disorder. 

Typically, it is suggested that one titrate off of any psychiatric medication, but that was not something I had access to, so a bitch just went cold turkey. After going through this experience, I understand the suggestion. As a result, what happened was the Dark Ages. 

During the following six months (all of this occurred in 2014, so I can quantify the worst year of my life, even if I got a cool Hobbit out of the deal), I gained over 100 pounds and left the 400-square-foot apartment that I had lived in less than ten times. I was constantly on the internet, delving into the depths of Reddit that no one should ever look at, which filled me with dread to even leave my front door to retrieve mail from my building’s lobby. 

Eventually, we got Marbles, a tuxedo cat with a wonky eye, which I credit with waking me up out of the Dark Ages (although I have since read academic literature suggesting it takes about six months for psychiatric medication to leave the system entirely). 

I obtained health insurance and returned to a psychiatrist, a different one from my original one due to the move. I answered the same questions that my original psychiatrist did. This doctor didn’t put me on anything and was highly suspicious of my original diagnosis of bipolar disorder. He monitored me monthly, then quarterly, for the following year. At the end of the year, he told me that he didn’t need me to schedule any more appointments. I asked him why, since everyone in my life had emphasized the need to actively monitor something like bipolar disorder closely. 

“You ever think that you just needed to get out of your parents’ house?” He asked. 

I haven’t been on medication since. Granted, at times, things have been easier than others (read: the pandemic and the subsequent lockdown - everyone’s Dark Ages), but for the most part, I have been fine. 

Sometimes I wonder if the Dark Ages were my trial by fire. I needed to go through the detox, along with moving out, and by several people in my life doing something akin to: “being a tornado that brings everyone close down with them.”

And that is kauna energy. It's the energy of fire. Sometimes you have to completely burn a bitch down to build something better in its place. It was right after the Dark Ages that I really found my voice. I started going out and enjoying the New York City that I had made my home. I made many friends by engaging in exciting social events. I found hobbies that I didn’t even know I could love. I would never have had the incredible experiences I have had or met the cool people I have if I hadn’t lived through the Dark Ages. 

The suit of Wands in the Tarot is associated with fire. Kauna is associated with fire. And even though the Dark Ages sucked balls, I am happy that it helped me find my own flame and burn brighter.